Beauty in Chaos

I was always a believer in the concept that if we search diligently, even in the darkness, we can discover the light...

I was always a believer in the concept that if we search diligently, even in the darkness, we can discover the light. While enduring challenging circumstances, there’s beauty that can be set alight with radiance if I dare to modify my conviction, seeking out the good in difficult times. I have confidence that in the most taxing and painful of situations, beauty and goodness can be uncovered if I dare to open my mind to that possibility. This hasn’t always been easy for me to do, but when I found the ability, this idea helped me to endure some of the most daunting trials of my life.

I embarked on this journey of gratitude and reflection to take a closer look at my life, to slow down and get off autopilot to contemplate what’s under the surface. Some days I barely have time to breathe, let alone a moment to be reflective. Most times, it’s easier for me to complain about things I don’t like than for me to find things I’m grateful for, but usually, after the dust settles, I can see beauty in chaos, and that’s when a lesson is learned.

Life isn’t going to always turn out the way I want, no matter how badly I wish it would. To keep my sanity during the times when my world seems to be spinning out of control, I need to pump the brakes and breathe, which most times, is very difficult for me to do. It’s tough for me to relax. By nature, I’m a doer, but in the constant doing, it’s easy to overlook the beauty of each moment, and be fully in the now.

Usually, I exist nowhere near the present, rejecting it like venom. My body may be in the now, but my mind is frequently far off in the distance, focusing on what ifs, how and why, and the end goals of things I strive for, therefore avoiding the place where my potential truly lies. Authentic power and beauty are in the moment, not in a place that doesn’t yet exist. We lose our power when it’s not rooted in something tangible. Even though I recognize this truth, I still struggle, and often discover my mind floating in the stratosphere, loosely tethered to earth.

Typically, when I know I need to take a break, my natural inclination is just to go faster in the direction I’m compelled to go. I believe that if I do take time to just be in the moment with no agenda, that the precious moments I do have in my day, which are few, to work towards my aspirations, or even just items on my to-do list, will be squandered away, leaving me further from where I want to be. Even though there’s something noble in wanting to achieve ambitions, I’m attempting to convince my brain that it’s just as honorable to give myself whatever it needs at the time.

Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but to witness that beauty I must acknowledge it, focus on it and be gentle and kind with myself. Much beauty can be found outside in the world, as well as in our own private universe. It has always been easier for me to highlight the things that I may not like about myself rather than the things I do.

I’ve always had a tricky time unearthing my inner beauty and acknowledging its presence. I’m aware of its existence, however, I tend to overlook it. I guess that’s the result of my earlier experiences growing up, or maybe it’s just human nature to a certain degree, but regardless, I can’t use that as an excuse any longer. The past is past. If I bring it into the present, that’s my doing, and no one else is responsible but me. As my father used to say, we are the captains of our own ship.

I possess the power to uncover beauty in whatever way I choose. Something that may be exquisite to one person may be insignificant to another, and that’s okay. We all hold our own ideas on what brings us serenity, but we need to be able to stop long enough to be mindful of whatever that is and indulge in it if necessary. I need to alter my beliefs to understand that taking time to breathe is not a waste of time. It’s appreciating time, relishing in what can be uncovered in the quiet.

It appears I’ve been programmed to dash from point A to point B as quickly as possible to achieve my desired results in whatever I’m concentrating on. Instead, what if I chose to enjoy the journey along the way in each of the moments that build, one upon the next, to get to where I want to be? My type A personality usually has a different agenda.

The process of life, which ultimately dictates how things evolve over time, apparently with no input from humans, has never been my forte. We can do everything possible to try to achieve a goal or aspiration, but all we can do is the work to get there.

We can’t direct the timing. That truth has always frustrated me; however, there’s magnificence in the process of becoming. The persistence, learning, growing and understanding that occur inwardly to achieve something is not to be ignored. Even though things sometimes appear to be shifting slowly, or not at all, change is happening. That’s where faith in the process of life enters, and where I need to be more aware.

While in certain aspects it can be a positive thing to possess a driven demeanor, the other side of that coin is missing the exquisiteness of each second. Every day is a gift. It’s not guaranteed, and I need to begin treating them like the precious offerings they are.

I no longer want to lose sight of splendor in the moments of life, or in the beauty in myself. Instead of focusing on what needs work, I can pay attention to my strengths while still acknowledging my limitations and how I may improve. Instead of rushing through life at times, I can let myself unwind and bathe in the quiet soaking in the beauty that is this life.