Done Being Small
Growing up, I was an anxious and highly perceptive kid. Even though my family undoubtedly loved me, they didn’t realize what a sensitive child I was...
Growing up, I was an anxious and highly perceptive kid. Even though my family undoubtedly loved me, they didn’t realize what a sensitive child I was. They were seemingly oblivious to how keenly I sensed my surroundings and everything I experienced in my little world. I effortlessly detected the emotions of those around me, and not possessing the developmental capacity to realize where I ended and the others began, I took it all in, drowning in a perpetual emotive stew.
Random, misguided comments that may have rolled off the backs of other children stung me and stuck like crazy glue. My brain was continually in overdrive, and typically, my thoughts echoed the same disparaging voices I heeded persistently, not only from unmindful family members, but also from other kids in school, and around town, that made me want to shrink away into the ether. I wasn’t gentle with myself and was often harsher than the voices that were programmed in my head through endless repetition.
Being subjected to my fair share of criticism and disapproval from my maternal side of the family because I naturally marched to the beat of my own drum and didn’t follow direction well, as a young person, I internalized it all. This wasn’t done from lack of love on the part of my family. It was done from a lack of understanding of the power words have to both hurt and heal and from an absence of intentionality with those words.
As a parent now, I’m making sure I learned from that transgression. Since I now know better, I want to be better for my son. I never want him to suffer the emotional isolation of perpetually feeling less than even if it was done inadvertently like it was to me. Loving a child is one of life’s best experiences. The power of that love transcends time and space, but that love isn’t enough. It is possible to love someone, but damage them as well. I want to be aware of my words, knowing the life they take on, and the power they possess.
I didn’t have maturity at that time to understand that opinions are just that, and not irrevocable truths. Essentially, I didn’t hold the wisdom to recognize that I didn’t have to fit the mold of how others thought I should be. Consequently, I was always searching for approval, not only from my family, but from the outside world so I could feel like I was okay, not realizing I already was. Because of that endless quest for validation, I gave away a lot of my power to people who often didn’t deserve it. I found myself in situations with people that I shouldn’t have been in, and for far longer than I needed to be. It was so hard for me to let go.
That unceasing pursuit spanned many years. In that time, I learned to be small, and afraid to go against the grain, hence spawning a vicious battle with my inherently fiery and independent self. I deemed it dangerous to unleash that part of myself into the world for fear of not being accepted or understood and ridiculed. Being a natural creative, this can cause a major problem, as creativity thrives on uniqueness, novelty and innovation. Hence, I was stunted artistically for many years, preferring to utilize my creativity for trying to solve other people’s personal dramas and issues, and not paying attention to my own. I felt safer, yet tormented, being small, but safety doesn’t equate to fulfillment and emotional peace.
My wingspan shrunk, I was hunched, crouching in the corner of existence. Occasionally, I would dip my toes in the waters of life but would ultimately retreat to safety. The idea of people witnessing my authentic self was terrifying whether it be artistically or personally. I pursued my creative passions, but within precise parameters that I believed innocuous. I allowed my genuine self out into the world to an extent, often receding when it appeared as if my thoughts, views or opinions would stir the pot to overflow, and I would be targeted by others like when I was a child.
As time marched on unfettered, I recognized that it’s okay to be who I was meant to be. I’m permitted to possess my own thoughts and opinions as we all are, and people are allowed to not agree with me if they choose. I’ve learned that not everyone needs to like me as I’m not required to like everyone either, but we do need to respect each other. I discovered that some people are meant to be in your life until the end, others just for a season, and that I don’t need to hold onto everyone. I can let them go, and they can let me go as well. I’ll be okay either way.
When I’m done with being small, and I release my wingspan to its full potential by being true to myself, that’s when the magic happens, yet simultaneously, I also experience the fear of not being accepted, exposed or good enough. Now, I put myself out there anyway. When my authentic self flows out into the world, whether it be personally or artistically, that’s when the possibility arises for greatness.
Nevertheless, with so many years of indoctrination into the mindset of minuteness, this search for authenticity is a daily work in progress. Some days, I experience the old inclination to hunch and retreat. Some days I give into it, other days I fight for my truth. Other times, I’m fierce, and nothing can get in the way of me stepping into my power. Like anything in life, things ebb and flow, but I can’t lose sight of the goal.
I no longer need to listen to old programming I received long ago, those negative messages that would go around and around in my brain like a merry-go-round gone mad can now be replaced by positive messaging of self-love. I don’t need to hide. Even though that little girl is still inside me, I don’t need to subject her to more pain by continuing the cycle. I can be kind and gentle with her and give her the acceptance she’s always been looking for. She doesn’t need to look to the outside world for love any longer as I now am learning to grant that to myself. Self-love is the most powerful love there is, and in that realm, there’s no such thing as being small.
What are some ways that you’re learning to be gentle with yourself, or increase self-love?