I Am Enough

I believe that gratitude is one of the paths to happiness. While I don’t suppose most people would dispute that perception, it appears to be easier for some to achieve...

I believe that gratitude is one of the paths to happiness. While I don’t suppose most people would dispute that perception, it appears to be easier for some to achieve that bliss consistently than others. At times when I’m effortlessly linked to the frequency of thankfulness, I’m at peace, my heart overflows with joy, and I believe the possibilities for myself are limitless. I attempt to hover in this harmonious state indefinitely. The sentiment I receive when I do latch onto it is one of tranquility interlocked with a feeling of immense personal power rendering myself a force to be reckoned with.

I’m uncertain if it’s the way my brain is wired, or human nature to a degree, but it’s not easy for me to reliably reside in the brilliant realm of gratitude. When I catch those moments, joy makes its home in my heart, but so many things can pilfer that feeling in an instant. Things like disagreements with loved ones, things not going the way I had planned, getting stuck in gridlock when I’m already late, or someone cutting me off on the highway, and flipping me the bird, can steal me away from vital serenity.

This scenario is far more familiar to me than living unfettered by the idiosyncrasies of life even though I try my hardest to anchor myself to gratefulness. Often, I find myself wondering why it is trickier for me to grasp onto the magnificent sensation of gratitude on a continual basis than it is for me to sink into frustration because things may not be going the way I had hoped. When something happens that I deem aggravating, upsetting or fear provoking, all it takes is one thought from my spiraling brain to yank me away from tranquility as I venture off into that dark corner of my mind that stews in discontent.

Once those thoughts take hold, it’s difficult to break them as they manifest a life of their own. When they begin their incessant yammering, my body follows suit tensing up and blocking my heart from the nourishment that gratitude so freely provides if I just allow her into my life even when it’s not easy. For me to throw a lifeline to the part of my brain that’s drowning is exceedingly challenging as I swirl in the maelstrom of disconnection.

Gratitude places me in a field of plentitude and peace which is exactly where I want to be. It’s baffling to me why it would be so hard to keep myself there and make this a constant state of being. This is the age-old dilemma I’ve been grappling with. I often ponder if others encounter similar struggles, or if they’re even aware that their minds may be mired down in muck as it can easily become someone’s natural way of thinking if they aren’t aware of the messages they are feeding themselves.

Given that authors make millions of dollars from books on the topic of mindfulness, and the power of positive thinking, I’m willing to venture that I’m not the only one who struggles in this area. In some way, we must be getting some kind of payoff for not allowing gratitude into our lives more frequently and instead permitting ourselves to sink into the quicksand of negativity. What payoff would be massive enough to keep us separated from peace of mind and happiness? To unearth the answer to that question requires an excavating dig into the deepest recesses of who we are.

By nature, I’ve always been a thinker and an analyzer. Even as a child, I would drive my mother bonkers with incessant questions about everything under the sun. Maybe that unrelenting inquisitiveness and curiosity, while admirable in many respects, can also be a detriment because nothing can be taken at face value if one is always searching for the reasons why.

In my journeys through life, I’ve encountered people that possess a great attitude, choosing to focus on the good over the things that may not be so good. Occasionally, I’ve asked how they manage to always stay so positive, so optimistic about their lives, especially when they’re encountering major challenges. One of these people was my father. Diagnosed with stage four esophageal cancer over twenty years ago when the advancements in treatment were archaic compared to today, he didn’t let it get him down.

Naturally, he was afraid, angry and despondent at why this fate befell him, but his hopefulness, determination, and persistence tipped the scales in his favor, outweighing the discouraging emotions that sought to take him down. He snubbed defeat and refused to crumble. That attitude saved his life.

He focused on the good and fought, carrying himself with such grace and dignity even in the face of that colossal challenge. He said that overcoming life’s trials was all about mindset, and that we’re the captains of our own ship. Nothing was going to knock him down and he was going to live his life the way he always had, and he did, surviving his diagnosis against all odds. Even the doctors were amazed. When he was faced with almost certain death, he chose life.

When things don’t go the way I’ve planned, I’m often fixated on what’s going wrong instead of focusing on what’s going right. That frustrates me endlessly. I’ve been blessed with so much. I want to understand why my mind immediately goes to what I don’t want, or what I don’t have, instead of all that I do. I want to shift my mindset from a mentality of lack to one of abundance, and with that change, I’m certain I would feel so much lighter, freer and peaceful.

I was raised in a home that was hypercritical and judgmental. I never felt like I was enough, and because of that, I was always searching for validation from those around me. From a young age, I was conditioned to emphasize things I wasn’t happy with instead of the things I was. Although as a child I knew my family loved me, it was often overshadowed by the fierce force of disapproving and disparaging words that shaped my attitude about myself and my world.

Since my parents divorced when I was young, I didn’t live with my father, thus minimizing access to his positive influence on a continual basis. What I learned from him, however, transformed into that small voice which lives in the back of my mind, screaming to be heard, wanting to guide, encourage, and hold space for me. The echo of my father constantly reminds me of all the good in the world, and in myself. I want to usher that voice into the forefront of my awareness, and give it the care it deserves, allowing it to overthrow that which no longer serves me because I am enough.

What are some ways you are able to keep the mindset of gratitude even when things aren’t going the way you planned or hoped?